WOW! Okay, so I missed last week. I have been so busy, and things have been so hard. Well we got some unpleasant news this week. Everything is going to change. Everyone always tells you when things change and something bad happens, that there is a reason for it and maybe it's a blessing. Of couse when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to think you will look back and see it as a blessing or a lesson to learn from. Most times I have found recently, that they are, but still you want to be realistic. So we will pray, and make the arrangments necessary, hope that we are smart about it, and that we will land on our feet. Again, only time will tell. It's frustrating and terifying not knowing what the future holds, but I have to have faith that we will get through this, if we stick together.
I'm feeling so much pressure as of late. I have so much homework, and it's hard cause I have so much that I am rushing through sometimes. I feel like I am not doing quality work, due to quantity. We are down a car, Chris sold his car. It was a good thing at the time. We have been paying down debt and bills and trying to only have basics. My car is almost paid off, only a couple more months. We were even looking at new cars and were pretty much ready to sign on the dotted line. We had figured our budget and worked out the details, then bad news struck. I am grateful we learned when we did though, instead of after we had a car payment to account for so I guess that in itself is a blessing. Again, I am super vague. So much has happened this year. I feel I am being tested so much. I feel as though at times I am barley hanging on, but I have to try and look at the big picture and think this too shall pass. We have amazing famliy and friends who, at our darkest hours this past year have been there to lend there support with a hug and a smile, or at times tears so you're not crying alone. I guess all in all I am so lucky to have the people in my life I do. I have learned a lot about true friendships this year, and I guess maybe I have taken for granted the people in my life, because I am learning the ones that are here now, truly are the biggest blessing of all.
Short rant, so I am disappointed in someone, well and myself for being stupid and beleiving they were actually a friend. I read a quote somone wrote just the other day and realized the truth in it. It said "someone who wants to be a part of your life, will truly make an effort to be in it." So true. Recently, I started talking to an "old friend". This person seems to always disappear from my life and reappear when they are in crisis. Yet when I am there I bare the burden alone. I used to be ok with this kind of friendship I guess, cause it has happened quite a few times. Well I reached out to try and be a good friend, checking in often with them, to remind them they are not alone, and letting them go on and on. because thats what friends do. They are there to listen when you are being obsessive and need to just talk things out. I know this cause I am the queen of obsessive and talking things out. I tried to share the burden, laughing and crying with them. They tell me that I am needed and a great friend, yet I find my phone not ringing and me doing all the work. Now that I am again in over my head in crisis mode, well guess who is all alone in it. I am tired of people who need you when they are down and out and when you hit bottom the scatter like cockroaches when someone turns on a light. I am tired of lip service. I will never need a lie. I know as I have aged, and not gracefully, that I haven't been the best friend. I know that I too have been self serving. But for the most part I have always been loyal. I have always tried to go the extra mile for those that are dear to me, to the point of doing all of the work and gettin taken advantage of. And along the way I have had to make hard desicions to let go of those who just kept taking and taking and stopped with the giving. One of which being my own father. Life is too short for me to do one sided. It hurts to much to think you give so much to someone and they can't give even an ounce back. especially when, with school, work, and my own life that is just in ruins and crisis most of the time, I try to be whole heartedly there.
Here is the queston I pose. Do I place to high of expectations? Seriously though? It seems there is a problem somewhere. I either am a magnet for use and abuse, or it would have to be me. The only thing I can think is that my expectatons of a friend is too high. Again, I know that I am blind to my own faults, to which I am sure I have many. But I think that though there are petty moments in friendships, for the most part true friendships, know that though neither is perfect, you fit perfectly together. I guess I try to be available for my friends no matter what. Call me crying I drop everything to rush to you or talk you down. I would do most anything in my power for those I hold dear, and though I am not perfect, and we all have our moments, in my heart I am truly loyal. Am I wrong to think there are people out there who are like me? who would do anything for thier friends? I am starting to feel hopeless.
Yea so that ended up being a longer rant. Sorry. But I guess on a brighter note, there will always be the very few friends you find in life who just get you. You can go forever without talking and its like the world has stopped and no time has passed when you speak again.. A great quote for this is "A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails -Anonymous" I think that pretty much says it all. At any rate I guess that is it for this week. I am hoping a praying we get through the bumps in the road right now. I guess that is all one can do. I can't control the outcome, and I hav eto try and remember that stressing gets me no where, so I need to take a really big breath and let the chips fall where they may. That whole letting go thing... still haven't quite mastered it yet. ;)
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