Light in Darkness

Recently I heard this quote, "Life they say can turn on a dime. In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet, the only thing we know for certain is how we feel. The love we have, the fear we hide from, the pain we push away…give them a voice and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart." I instantly loved it. Its so true in so many ways. I have been thinking a lot lately, about life, friendships, love and happiness.

I am so happy right now. I am so happy with my life and the love, friendships and people in it. I have not been this happy in a long time. I have been trying to put my finger on what has happened that has just helped me be so happy. Granted no one is happy all the time, but for the most part I really can't complain. I came to the conclusion that it is because I am being me, and the people in my life now accept me for who I am . I love me, I love being me and I love not having to apologize for who I am. I have tore away all the bull shit, and decided to just be me with no apologies. I have decided that people can accept me for who I really am, or they are not worth having in my life. I spent so much time apologizing for saying what I meant, being honest, having an opinion, and just speaking what I really felt. I was expected to be something I was not, so I could tiptoe around feelings and the truth of situations. In so many cases I stayed silent because I didn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if I spoke up, or spoke my mind, because I was made to feel my thoughts, opinions and truth were not okay. There for this made me quiet when I should have spoken my mind. I am afterall a Korb, and what are we if not brutally honest and far from quiet.

Once I stopped pretending to be something I wasn't, its like the sun has come out in my world. I know the people that are still in my life, truly love me 100% for me. Just me, and I don't have to apologize for my desicions to better myself financially, educationally or spiritually. This probably doesn't make sense I am sure. But there were people in my life and situations I have been put in that made me become someone I wasn't, someone I hated. Last January, everything in my life changed, including how I felt. I realized life was too short to not be honest with myself, and let me be me. If people don't like me that is thier problem not mine. I shouldn't change for other people, to make them feel better about themselves. I now just feel so free and happy.

Some people are just different and sometimes people just can't click because they are just too different. I always felt like a failure if I couldn't make something work. but lets face it friendships should not be that hard. They should be easy and comfortable, and yes sometimes they will require work, but it shouldn't feel like a never ending project. People who were once close grow apart, and people who once didn't get along grow close. It's part of growing up I have learned. As you get older you find the friends you had in high school or even just after sometimes just don't grow to want the same things in life that you do and it becomes hard to have a relationship in the present. You'll always have the past, but there is only so long that you can look back, before you have to look forward again. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, or that either of you are wrong for what you want in the present, it just means you have found your path and maybe it splits from thiers. I felt so bad for a while cause I felt like some of my oldest friends had moved on in life and left me behind. I felt like there was something wrong cause I couldn't keep the friendship that we once had. When I finally realized sometimes friends aren't permanent. sometimes people come in your life when you really need them and/or they really need you, and then the go just as quickly. It's sad to think but at the same time, do you cherish the memories you have of them any less cause they aren't in your present or future? I don't think so. They were there at a point when they were meant to be.

For some of these people and friendships I still feel like though we don't talk all the time, its like no time has passed when we do talk again. There have been a few friendships in my life where the people just got me and I could be me. I could share with them the darkness of how cruel the world can be and they understood cause they had seen some sort of darkness to. I didn't have to apologize for not wanting to smile and be fake and pretend like the world and life is just puppy dogs and rainbows, becuase it isn't always. There have been times where its hard to get out of bed in there morning or muster a smile during the day. And these few friends have always made me feel loved and understood. They have understood the pain I didn't have the words to speak, and they accepted me darkness and all. I don't have to apologize cause I have been, in the words of Nine inch Nails, "beaten, bruised, forgotten, sore, to f#&ked up to care anymore."

I have had two friends that I have always held so much love for, Jasna and Carla. Carla and I still speak and see each other when life permits, its like no time has passed when we talk, we can always pick up where we left off. She is like the other half to my whole in so many ways. Then there is Jasna, her and I rarely speak anymore. not that we aren't friends cause we still are. But we just don't spend 24/7 together like we once did, years pass before we see each other. I think she was another one of those freindships that we both needed in a period of our lives. She had experienced loss and seen so much hate in the world, that she understood how hard it is to be positive sometimes, how hard it is to laugh instead of cry. She always understood me without judgment. For these friends I think back and remember being truly happy in thier presence. They always saw the real me, the one I had to hide behind fake smiles to please others who thought I should always be happy and positive. I am so thankful for thier roles in my life. I am so thankful that in some of my darkest hours they were there to light my way, with reassurance and love. There are not words to say how much those friendships have given me courage to speak how I feel and not be afraid to be me. Becuse no matter who is there to push you down, they were there to pull me back up. I feel so much pride knowing I had these friends.

I know I am kinda off on a random tangent here, but I have been so introspective lately.. I am so truly happy. For once I am not afraid my happiness will be ripped from me. I am just happy. Being this happy has made me think a lot about my road to get here. Paved with obstacles and people who tried to tear me down and break me. I had to write a six word memoir in English, and I thought about mine for such a long time. I came up with the perfect one for me. "Broken, but still not your victim." It sums up my life I swear. I am tired of being made a victim of someones cruelty. I am learning to just move on and forgive. That one phrase just touches so many injustices of my childhood on into adulthood. It felt empowering for me. I am glad I got the chance to write it. who would have thought 6 little words could say so much.

Chris and I are going on a new journey in life. I am so excited to put to rest the darkness of the past. I am excited for a new start, and chance at true and unconditional love. most of all I am so happy I can't stop smiling. I have so many blessings in my life, and I thank God everyday for them.

Just another bump in the road

WOW! Okay, so I missed last week. I have been so busy, and things have been so hard. Well we got some unpleasant news this week. Everything is going to change. Everyone always tells you when things change and something bad happens, that there is a reason for it and maybe it's a blessing. Of couse when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to think you will look back and see it as a blessing or a lesson to learn from. Most times I have found recently, that they are, but still you want to be realistic. So we will pray, and make the arrangments necessary, hope that we are smart about it, and that we will land on our feet. Again, only time will tell. It's frustrating and terifying not knowing what the future holds, but I have to have faith that we will get through this, if we stick together.

I'm feeling so much pressure as of late. I have so much homework, and it's hard cause I have so much that I am rushing through sometimes. I feel like I am not doing quality work, due to quantity. We are down a car, Chris sold his car. It was a good thing at the time. We have been paying down debt and bills and trying to only have basics. My car is almost paid off, only a couple more months. We were even looking at new cars and were pretty much ready to sign on the dotted line. We had figured our budget and worked out the details, then bad news struck. I am grateful we learned when we did though, instead of after we had a car payment to account for so I guess that in itself is a blessing. Again, I am super vague. So much has happened this year. I feel I am being tested so much. I feel as though at times I am barley hanging on, but I have to try and look at the big picture and think this too shall pass. We have amazing famliy and friends who, at our darkest hours this past year have been there to lend there support with a hug and a smile, or at times tears so you're not crying alone. I guess all in all I am so lucky to have the people in my life I do. I have learned a lot about true friendships this year, and I guess maybe I have taken for granted the people in my life, because I am learning the ones that are here now, truly are the biggest blessing of all.

Short rant, so I am disappointed in someone, well and myself for being stupid and beleiving they were actually a friend. I read a quote somone wrote just the other day and realized the truth in it. It said "someone who wants to be a part of your life, will truly make an effort to be in it." So true. Recently, I started talking to an "old friend". This person seems to always disappear from my life and reappear when they are in crisis. Yet when I am there I bare the burden alone. I used to be ok with this kind of friendship I guess, cause it has happened quite a few times. Well I reached out to try and be a good friend, checking in often with them, to remind them they are not alone, and letting them go on and on. because thats what friends do. They are there to listen when you are being obsessive and need to just talk things out. I know this cause I am the queen of obsessive and talking things out. I tried to share the burden, laughing and crying with them. They tell me that I am needed and a great friend, yet I find my phone not ringing and me doing all the work. Now that I am again in over my head in crisis mode, well guess who is all alone in it. I am tired of people who need you when they are down and out and when you hit bottom the scatter like cockroaches when someone turns on a light. I am tired of lip service. I will never need a lie. I know as I have aged, and not gracefully, that I haven't been the best friend. I know that I too have been self serving. But for the most part I have always been loyal. I have always tried to go the extra mile for those that are dear to me, to the point of doing all of the work and gettin taken advantage of. And along the way I have had to make hard desicions to let go of those who just kept taking and taking and stopped with the giving. One of which being my own father. Life is too short for me to do one sided. It hurts to much to think you give so much to someone and they can't give even an ounce back. especially when, with school, work, and my own life that is just in ruins and crisis most of the time, I try to be whole heartedly there.

Here is the queston I pose. Do I place to high of expectations? Seriously though? It seems there is a problem somewhere. I either am a magnet for use and abuse, or it would have to be me. The only thing I can think is that my expectatons of a friend is too high. Again, I know that I am blind to my own faults, to which I am sure I have many. But I think that though there are petty moments in friendships, for the most part true friendships, know that though neither is perfect, you fit perfectly together. I guess I try to be available for my friends no matter what. Call me crying I drop everything to rush to you or talk you down. I would do most anything in my power for those I hold dear, and though I am not perfect, and we all have our moments, in my heart I am truly loyal. Am I wrong to think there are people out there who are like me? who would do anything for thier friends? I am starting to feel hopeless.

Yea so that ended up being a longer rant. Sorry. But I guess on a brighter note, there will always be the very few friends you find in life who just get you. You can go forever without talking and its like the world has stopped and no time has passed when you speak again.. A great quote for this is "A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails -Anonymous" I think that pretty much says it all. At any rate I guess that is it for this week. I am hoping a praying we get through the bumps in the road right now. I guess that is all one can do. I can't control the outcome, and I hav eto try and remember that stressing gets me no where, so I need to take a really big breath and let the chips fall where they may. That whole letting go thing... still haven't quite mastered it yet. ;)