So while cleaning out my things for a yardsale I have come across so many what nots that remind me of people and times in my life. Often times they feel like a different life, it's like standing on the side watching it happen to someone else. I made so many mistakes with my heart and trust. It's interesting to see how far I have come, but at the same time wierd to think about how lost I once was. It's often uncomfortable coming across a memory where you have to think "what was I thinking?" I have had some horrible taste in friends and love interests. I guess this is bound to happen when you are young, lonely and just lost in general. I am so happy to be where I am now. And so happy to have met a man like Chris. Without all those other bad memories and mistakes though I probly wouldnt see how rare and special Chris is. So I guess I should be thankful for small miracles.
it's interesting that this all started with a terrible relationship and spiraled horribly out of control. My high school sweetheart and I were involved in somewhat of a car wreck of a relationship. It started out loving enough then became something so horrible. I lost who I was completly, what I became instead didn't even come close to resembling my stubborn bullheaded personality. I lost my pride, my confidence, my security, my trust, and my fatih in humanity. I lost so many things, that at my core made me who I was. I felt hallow. I feel like I was emotionally raped. But I can't completly blame him, I stayed and I thought I didn't deserve anything or anyone better. Maybe when he gave me a promise ring and I promised to be his, I should have had him promise to be faithful, and not intentionally break my heart. In my self delusion, I honestly thought that there could never possibly be anyone better than him. That I could never love anyone as much as him and he couldn't love anyone as much as me. I wasted 5 years of my life, and looking back, all I have to show was learning that that wasn't love. People who love each other don't do the things he and I did to hurt each other. I mean its a great lesson and all, but 5 tumultuous years together than all the recovery time is a lot of wasted time in my opinion. Rough lesson.
Moving to Utah was my chance to start over. Get away from the small town that drew us together no matter how hard we fought to stay apart. But new beginings arent't all they are cracked up to be. I met my dad's family, and learned some about my roots. Some of these family members were and are an awesome part of my life. Some, mainly my dad sucked what little bit of soul I had left right out of me. I was already a hallow shell of a human being wondering through life trying to find a reason, purpose or just someone who cared and wasn't using me for something. And I let a lot of people walk all over me, use and abuse me, and I couldn't care or get away. I am not proud of some of the things I did in that very dark period of my life, one of which being that I was slowly becoming an alcoholic. Because I hated myself and everyone that surrounded me. It's scary to look back and think how dark my life really was, and how helpless I felt to do anything about it.
I met a few people whose intentions were anything but pure and I let them suck me further into a hole of despair, I went all too willingly though, I was a masochist that way. I couldn't see the writing on the wall. I let them manipulate, play and use me for years, and was in denial that they were truley harmful to me and that thier intentions weren't purely selfish. I felt completely helpless at times. I hated my life, I hated myself, I often thought of ending my suffering, and sadly yet remarkibly the only thing that ever stopped me was my cats. My love for them, and knowing that they would likely be thrown into a shelter and probly put to sleep. They are my babies, and I couldn't do that to them. I know for any non animal lover this seems utterly ridiculous... but it got me through each difficult day. Loving an animal, any animal opens up so much compassion in a person. Ask Chris, he never thought he would love any animal let alone a cat, and yet he does. The other thing that got me through was praying that there was something better in life, that there had to be, this couldn't be it... That there were people who wouldn't use me and spend my money (what very little I had), who weren't fake to my face and tell horrible lies behind my back, and that there were people who were real true friends, and people who really cared and basically I prayed to find someone like Chris who would love me. All of me, for me, the good the bad and the dark and scary. Someone who could see so much good in me that I couldn't see myself and would make me want to be a better person. I still feel like he is too good for me, and that I am not worthy. But I try everyday to love him and be the person I think he deserves.
I know this post is deep dark and kind of random, but it is amazing the memories that can pop up from the simpliest of things. I am glad I moved to Utah, because in my very bumpy road to self disovery I met the man of my dreams, someone to love, who will truly love me back. I found security and peace, and I get a family. But at the same time, I feel like Utah almost ruined me. I know I needed to move away from Idaho. But in Idaho I knew who my friends were. I knew so many people, but thier were only a very few who I knew were truely my friends. I knew thier intentions. I feel like I moved away when I wasn't in a state of mind mentally to make sound choices in friends and relationships. But at the same time, another lesson learned. I can have regrets, but in the end I have to be grateful that no matter how painful the raod or the lesson, It made me the person I am today. Someone who is worthy of love, true love, and amazing firendships. Someone who no matter how hopeless It seemed even two years ago, has had most of thier dreams come true.
So honestly no matter how painful the memory, or how much I cringe when I come across an awkward or uncomfortable part of my past, I have to remember to be so thankful for it, cause it brought me to where I am today. And that is sooo happy. I trust my instincts again, I trust my heart and it has taken me far in the last year and a half. I know the people in my life now are real friends and love me for the real me, and there is nothing more anyone could ever ask for.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Light in Darkness
Recently I heard this quote, "Life they say can turn on a dime. In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet, the only thing we know for certain is how we feel. The love we have, the fear we hide from, the pain we push away…give them a voice and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart." I instantly loved it. Its so true in so many ways. I have been thinking a lot lately, about life, friendships, love and happiness.
I am so happy right now. I am so happy with my life and the love, friendships and people in it. I have not been this happy in a long time. I have been trying to put my finger on what has happened that has just helped me be so happy. Granted no one is happy all the time, but for the most part I really can't complain. I came to the conclusion that it is because I am being me, and the people in my life now accept me for who I am . I love me, I love being me and I love not having to apologize for who I am. I have tore away all the bull shit, and decided to just be me with no apologies. I have decided that people can accept me for who I really am, or they are not worth having in my life. I spent so much time apologizing for saying what I meant, being honest, having an opinion, and just speaking what I really felt. I was expected to be something I was not, so I could tiptoe around feelings and the truth of situations. In so many cases I stayed silent because I didn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if I spoke up, or spoke my mind, because I was made to feel my thoughts, opinions and truth were not okay. There for this made me quiet when I should have spoken my mind. I am afterall a Korb, and what are we if not brutally honest and far from quiet.
Once I stopped pretending to be something I wasn't, its like the sun has come out in my world. I know the people that are still in my life, truly love me 100% for me. Just me, and I don't have to apologize for my desicions to better myself financially, educationally or spiritually. This probably doesn't make sense I am sure. But there were people in my life and situations I have been put in that made me become someone I wasn't, someone I hated. Last January, everything in my life changed, including how I felt. I realized life was too short to not be honest with myself, and let me be me. If people don't like me that is thier problem not mine. I shouldn't change for other people, to make them feel better about themselves. I now just feel so free and happy.
Some people are just different and sometimes people just can't click because they are just too different. I always felt like a failure if I couldn't make something work. but lets face it friendships should not be that hard. They should be easy and comfortable, and yes sometimes they will require work, but it shouldn't feel like a never ending project. People who were once close grow apart, and people who once didn't get along grow close. It's part of growing up I have learned. As you get older you find the friends you had in high school or even just after sometimes just don't grow to want the same things in life that you do and it becomes hard to have a relationship in the present. You'll always have the past, but there is only so long that you can look back, before you have to look forward again. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, or that either of you are wrong for what you want in the present, it just means you have found your path and maybe it splits from thiers. I felt so bad for a while cause I felt like some of my oldest friends had moved on in life and left me behind. I felt like there was something wrong cause I couldn't keep the friendship that we once had. When I finally realized sometimes friends aren't permanent. sometimes people come in your life when you really need them and/or they really need you, and then the go just as quickly. It's sad to think but at the same time, do you cherish the memories you have of them any less cause they aren't in your present or future? I don't think so. They were there at a point when they were meant to be.
For some of these people and friendships I still feel like though we don't talk all the time, its like no time has passed when we do talk again. There have been a few friendships in my life where the people just got me and I could be me. I could share with them the darkness of how cruel the world can be and they understood cause they had seen some sort of darkness to. I didn't have to apologize for not wanting to smile and be fake and pretend like the world and life is just puppy dogs and rainbows, becuase it isn't always. There have been times where its hard to get out of bed in there morning or muster a smile during the day. And these few friends have always made me feel loved and understood. They have understood the pain I didn't have the words to speak, and they accepted me darkness and all. I don't have to apologize cause I have been, in the words of Nine inch Nails, "beaten, bruised, forgotten, sore, to f#&ked up to care anymore."
I have had two friends that I have always held so much love for, Jasna and Carla. Carla and I still speak and see each other when life permits, its like no time has passed when we talk, we can always pick up where we left off. She is like the other half to my whole in so many ways. Then there is Jasna, her and I rarely speak anymore. not that we aren't friends cause we still are. But we just don't spend 24/7 together like we once did, years pass before we see each other. I think she was another one of those freindships that we both needed in a period of our lives. She had experienced loss and seen so much hate in the world, that she understood how hard it is to be positive sometimes, how hard it is to laugh instead of cry. She always understood me without judgment. For these friends I think back and remember being truly happy in thier presence. They always saw the real me, the one I had to hide behind fake smiles to please others who thought I should always be happy and positive. I am so thankful for thier roles in my life. I am so thankful that in some of my darkest hours they were there to light my way, with reassurance and love. There are not words to say how much those friendships have given me courage to speak how I feel and not be afraid to be me. Becuse no matter who is there to push you down, they were there to pull me back up. I feel so much pride knowing I had these friends.
I know I am kinda off on a random tangent here, but I have been so introspective lately.. I am so truly happy. For once I am not afraid my happiness will be ripped from me. I am just happy. Being this happy has made me think a lot about my road to get here. Paved with obstacles and people who tried to tear me down and break me. I had to write a six word memoir in English, and I thought about mine for such a long time. I came up with the perfect one for me. "Broken, but still not your victim." It sums up my life I swear. I am tired of being made a victim of someones cruelty. I am learning to just move on and forgive. That one phrase just touches so many injustices of my childhood on into adulthood. It felt empowering for me. I am glad I got the chance to write it. who would have thought 6 little words could say so much.
Chris and I are going on a new journey in life. I am so excited to put to rest the darkness of the past. I am excited for a new start, and chance at true and unconditional love. most of all I am so happy I can't stop smiling. I have so many blessings in my life, and I thank God everyday for them.
I am so happy right now. I am so happy with my life and the love, friendships and people in it. I have not been this happy in a long time. I have been trying to put my finger on what has happened that has just helped me be so happy. Granted no one is happy all the time, but for the most part I really can't complain. I came to the conclusion that it is because I am being me, and the people in my life now accept me for who I am . I love me, I love being me and I love not having to apologize for who I am. I have tore away all the bull shit, and decided to just be me with no apologies. I have decided that people can accept me for who I really am, or they are not worth having in my life. I spent so much time apologizing for saying what I meant, being honest, having an opinion, and just speaking what I really felt. I was expected to be something I was not, so I could tiptoe around feelings and the truth of situations. In so many cases I stayed silent because I didn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if I spoke up, or spoke my mind, because I was made to feel my thoughts, opinions and truth were not okay. There for this made me quiet when I should have spoken my mind. I am afterall a Korb, and what are we if not brutally honest and far from quiet.
Once I stopped pretending to be something I wasn't, its like the sun has come out in my world. I know the people that are still in my life, truly love me 100% for me. Just me, and I don't have to apologize for my desicions to better myself financially, educationally or spiritually. This probably doesn't make sense I am sure. But there were people in my life and situations I have been put in that made me become someone I wasn't, someone I hated. Last January, everything in my life changed, including how I felt. I realized life was too short to not be honest with myself, and let me be me. If people don't like me that is thier problem not mine. I shouldn't change for other people, to make them feel better about themselves. I now just feel so free and happy.
Some people are just different and sometimes people just can't click because they are just too different. I always felt like a failure if I couldn't make something work. but lets face it friendships should not be that hard. They should be easy and comfortable, and yes sometimes they will require work, but it shouldn't feel like a never ending project. People who were once close grow apart, and people who once didn't get along grow close. It's part of growing up I have learned. As you get older you find the friends you had in high school or even just after sometimes just don't grow to want the same things in life that you do and it becomes hard to have a relationship in the present. You'll always have the past, but there is only so long that you can look back, before you have to look forward again. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, or that either of you are wrong for what you want in the present, it just means you have found your path and maybe it splits from thiers. I felt so bad for a while cause I felt like some of my oldest friends had moved on in life and left me behind. I felt like there was something wrong cause I couldn't keep the friendship that we once had. When I finally realized sometimes friends aren't permanent. sometimes people come in your life when you really need them and/or they really need you, and then the go just as quickly. It's sad to think but at the same time, do you cherish the memories you have of them any less cause they aren't in your present or future? I don't think so. They were there at a point when they were meant to be.
For some of these people and friendships I still feel like though we don't talk all the time, its like no time has passed when we do talk again. There have been a few friendships in my life where the people just got me and I could be me. I could share with them the darkness of how cruel the world can be and they understood cause they had seen some sort of darkness to. I didn't have to apologize for not wanting to smile and be fake and pretend like the world and life is just puppy dogs and rainbows, becuase it isn't always. There have been times where its hard to get out of bed in there morning or muster a smile during the day. And these few friends have always made me feel loved and understood. They have understood the pain I didn't have the words to speak, and they accepted me darkness and all. I don't have to apologize cause I have been, in the words of Nine inch Nails, "beaten, bruised, forgotten, sore, to f#&ked up to care anymore."
I have had two friends that I have always held so much love for, Jasna and Carla. Carla and I still speak and see each other when life permits, its like no time has passed when we talk, we can always pick up where we left off. She is like the other half to my whole in so many ways. Then there is Jasna, her and I rarely speak anymore. not that we aren't friends cause we still are. But we just don't spend 24/7 together like we once did, years pass before we see each other. I think she was another one of those freindships that we both needed in a period of our lives. She had experienced loss and seen so much hate in the world, that she understood how hard it is to be positive sometimes, how hard it is to laugh instead of cry. She always understood me without judgment. For these friends I think back and remember being truly happy in thier presence. They always saw the real me, the one I had to hide behind fake smiles to please others who thought I should always be happy and positive. I am so thankful for thier roles in my life. I am so thankful that in some of my darkest hours they were there to light my way, with reassurance and love. There are not words to say how much those friendships have given me courage to speak how I feel and not be afraid to be me. Becuse no matter who is there to push you down, they were there to pull me back up. I feel so much pride knowing I had these friends.
I know I am kinda off on a random tangent here, but I have been so introspective lately.. I am so truly happy. For once I am not afraid my happiness will be ripped from me. I am just happy. Being this happy has made me think a lot about my road to get here. Paved with obstacles and people who tried to tear me down and break me. I had to write a six word memoir in English, and I thought about mine for such a long time. I came up with the perfect one for me. "Broken, but still not your victim." It sums up my life I swear. I am tired of being made a victim of someones cruelty. I am learning to just move on and forgive. That one phrase just touches so many injustices of my childhood on into adulthood. It felt empowering for me. I am glad I got the chance to write it. who would have thought 6 little words could say so much.
Chris and I are going on a new journey in life. I am so excited to put to rest the darkness of the past. I am excited for a new start, and chance at true and unconditional love. most of all I am so happy I can't stop smiling. I have so many blessings in my life, and I thank God everyday for them.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Acceptance, love and all the things in between
wow, been a while. I guess I got overwhelmed and got behind again. Well since last I wrote, I have survived this semester. I am in my last week, I have one final and two e-porfolio papers to write and I am done. I hope I do well on my history final. This teacher has been ridiculous and hard to please. I am happy to pass with a C and I don't get C's. Her workload and expectations were unreal for a general education class. Such is life I guess.
As another year draws to a close, and I can't help but think about how fast this year has flown. So many things happened this year, some simply amazing others not so pleasant. But all in all it has been an amazing year of self discovery, and though I would never want to relive certain things, its weird to say I am glad they happened and can honestly say that everything happens for a reason.
Chris and I had some real struggles this year, and the way it happend was heartbreaking and gut wrenching, but I am glad we are where we are, we would not be what we are today without it I believe. We have this communication and honesty now that I had longed for and would not change for anything in the world. I am grateful to him and for him. I can honestly say that I married my best friend and I fall more and more inlove with him each and every day. A previous relationship that always haunted me I was able to put to rest, and stop being angry and blaming myself, and realize that I was so happy that, that relationship failed. I am actually grateful that that relationship was nothing that I wanted, I had convinced myself I didn't deserve better, and it was okay to settle for almost. I smile now to think I am not stuck in a lifestyle and realtionship that I hate, and with a person who does not know how to love and makes me cry for fun. Chris strives to make me smile, and is usually pretty successful. He is also a very private person, as am I. I love that things are just between he and I. We have all these secrets and inside jokes that are just for us. and I adore that. I would not trade it for the world. He has shown me what love really is, and before him I am positive I never knew. He calls me out when I am being a brat and while I am pissed in the moment I am so glad that he does. I love the honesty in our relationship. I love that I am learning to not fly off the handle, and to take a step back and really think about things, internalize and even apologize. He has brought this out in me, and I am truley grateful and thankful.
This year I found some true friends, and lost some superficial ones. I will say that I am so grateful for the true ones and I haven't missed the others. I'm thankful for the repreive from all the drama. I am glad that I recognized that I was being used, manipulated, and treated like the help, and knew that I deserved better. A lot of untrue things were said about me this year and a lot of people loved the attention that cyber bullying gave them, while I sat in silence at their cruelty, as they continued to fight with themselves. I was the bigger person, and never said anything to anyone, I can count on one hand the people I even confided in, when the bullying became too much, and these people do not talk to them anyways. And well that is my right, and I deserve the right to have someone to vent too when I have a batch of mean girls who act like they are in high school putting a social hit on me. Because lets face it, all the lies that were spead, if I stood up for myself than I was what they said. So, I blocked them all and hoped for the best. Honestly this year has taught me that there are so many more important things going on, and that I am above the childish games and drama. I was in a a no win situation from the begining. I had to choose and I chose my marraige so I had to tell a lie. I would have been blamed either way. I will say though I told a lie, I will never need a lie and all those who jumped aboard with their untrue statments, Well I guess if that gets you through the night. I know the truth, and that is all that matters. I am this horrible bad guy and they take no accountability. I am not perfect, I have not always been a good friend, or person. I have tried my best, I have often failed, and as with every human I am not perfect, but I try and sometimes, people don't allow you to change. I have no apologies and no regrets. I would tell this lie again tomorrow, because I saw who people really were and what they thought. I am truley blessed for that one lie.
Another great thing I found this year was acceptance of who I was and who I have become. I have been in contact with an old firend, we were once joined at the hip. Life happens and things fall apart. Now, in talking to each other, I have felt so loved and accepted. She has made me feel valuable. How many people can say that a friendship can make them feel that way? I think this is a first for me. She knew the old broken messed up me and she knows me now and still better than anyone really, and she loves me. ME, not who she thinks I should be, but the person I actually am now and the one that I used to be. She appreciates the things that at my core make me who I am. She is proud of who I have become. And I cannot tell you what an incredible feeling it is. She has made me feel like I am a friend worth having, not someone "to apologize for." Because of her I know that I am a good person, though at times misguided, and who hasn't been. I am not perfect or extrodinary, but I am valuable. Thank you friend! Words cannot do you justice. I am so blessed that we are again friends, I believe you to be a soulmate, we have always been connected though we have been apart. I love you!
Also I am thankful to again have a sense of sisterhood and family. I have grown so close this year to Mindy. I feel so much comfort in her. I remember when we were little we were partners in crime, and spent most days in the corner. We were closer than sisters, though we would still watch Autumn eat dirt, you were my best freind through many years growing up. Though I lived in a different state I held this piece of my heart that was for you. Then my mom died and me and my feelings and my life was so messed up. When I moved back we just never had that click again, until this year. I know you don't know what has been going on this year, but you have over extended yourself to me anyways. You have been a comfort to me and made me laugh all these times I just wanted to cry. There are times I felt like I was dying inside and you swept in and made things seem imposibly better just because you were there. You knew there was something wrong but you never pushed me you were just there. I cannot tell you how much this and you have meant to me this last year. Thanks Min, I love you!
Wow I kind of wrote a novel, and went off on a tangent or two. It has been a while since I have written and I think I just needed a good write. I have much to look forward to in the coming days. Christmas is my favortie. Last weekend Chris and I decorated a gingerbread house. That was our date night. It was awesome and I loved it, better yet it was his idea too. This weekend I am doing an Eclipse party and I am super excited. Thank you Kellie for bringing it out of me, I am starting to feel like me again. It's been a while. Then we are having Christmas Eve at our house this year which I am super excited for. I have so much to get done before then though. Well that is my novel for now. I need to write more often apparently.
As another year draws to a close, and I can't help but think about how fast this year has flown. So many things happened this year, some simply amazing others not so pleasant. But all in all it has been an amazing year of self discovery, and though I would never want to relive certain things, its weird to say I am glad they happened and can honestly say that everything happens for a reason.
Chris and I had some real struggles this year, and the way it happend was heartbreaking and gut wrenching, but I am glad we are where we are, we would not be what we are today without it I believe. We have this communication and honesty now that I had longed for and would not change for anything in the world. I am grateful to him and for him. I can honestly say that I married my best friend and I fall more and more inlove with him each and every day. A previous relationship that always haunted me I was able to put to rest, and stop being angry and blaming myself, and realize that I was so happy that, that relationship failed. I am actually grateful that that relationship was nothing that I wanted, I had convinced myself I didn't deserve better, and it was okay to settle for almost. I smile now to think I am not stuck in a lifestyle and realtionship that I hate, and with a person who does not know how to love and makes me cry for fun. Chris strives to make me smile, and is usually pretty successful. He is also a very private person, as am I. I love that things are just between he and I. We have all these secrets and inside jokes that are just for us. and I adore that. I would not trade it for the world. He has shown me what love really is, and before him I am positive I never knew. He calls me out when I am being a brat and while I am pissed in the moment I am so glad that he does. I love the honesty in our relationship. I love that I am learning to not fly off the handle, and to take a step back and really think about things, internalize and even apologize. He has brought this out in me, and I am truley grateful and thankful.
This year I found some true friends, and lost some superficial ones. I will say that I am so grateful for the true ones and I haven't missed the others. I'm thankful for the repreive from all the drama. I am glad that I recognized that I was being used, manipulated, and treated like the help, and knew that I deserved better. A lot of untrue things were said about me this year and a lot of people loved the attention that cyber bullying gave them, while I sat in silence at their cruelty, as they continued to fight with themselves. I was the bigger person, and never said anything to anyone, I can count on one hand the people I even confided in, when the bullying became too much, and these people do not talk to them anyways. And well that is my right, and I deserve the right to have someone to vent too when I have a batch of mean girls who act like they are in high school putting a social hit on me. Because lets face it, all the lies that were spead, if I stood up for myself than I was what they said. So, I blocked them all and hoped for the best. Honestly this year has taught me that there are so many more important things going on, and that I am above the childish games and drama. I was in a a no win situation from the begining. I had to choose and I chose my marraige so I had to tell a lie. I would have been blamed either way. I will say though I told a lie, I will never need a lie and all those who jumped aboard with their untrue statments, Well I guess if that gets you through the night. I know the truth, and that is all that matters. I am this horrible bad guy and they take no accountability. I am not perfect, I have not always been a good friend, or person. I have tried my best, I have often failed, and as with every human I am not perfect, but I try and sometimes, people don't allow you to change. I have no apologies and no regrets. I would tell this lie again tomorrow, because I saw who people really were and what they thought. I am truley blessed for that one lie.
Another great thing I found this year was acceptance of who I was and who I have become. I have been in contact with an old firend, we were once joined at the hip. Life happens and things fall apart. Now, in talking to each other, I have felt so loved and accepted. She has made me feel valuable. How many people can say that a friendship can make them feel that way? I think this is a first for me. She knew the old broken messed up me and she knows me now and still better than anyone really, and she loves me. ME, not who she thinks I should be, but the person I actually am now and the one that I used to be. She appreciates the things that at my core make me who I am. She is proud of who I have become. And I cannot tell you what an incredible feeling it is. She has made me feel like I am a friend worth having, not someone "to apologize for." Because of her I know that I am a good person, though at times misguided, and who hasn't been. I am not perfect or extrodinary, but I am valuable. Thank you friend! Words cannot do you justice. I am so blessed that we are again friends, I believe you to be a soulmate, we have always been connected though we have been apart. I love you!
Also I am thankful to again have a sense of sisterhood and family. I have grown so close this year to Mindy. I feel so much comfort in her. I remember when we were little we were partners in crime, and spent most days in the corner. We were closer than sisters, though we would still watch Autumn eat dirt, you were my best freind through many years growing up. Though I lived in a different state I held this piece of my heart that was for you. Then my mom died and me and my feelings and my life was so messed up. When I moved back we just never had that click again, until this year. I know you don't know what has been going on this year, but you have over extended yourself to me anyways. You have been a comfort to me and made me laugh all these times I just wanted to cry. There are times I felt like I was dying inside and you swept in and made things seem imposibly better just because you were there. You knew there was something wrong but you never pushed me you were just there. I cannot tell you how much this and you have meant to me this last year. Thanks Min, I love you!
Wow I kind of wrote a novel, and went off on a tangent or two. It has been a while since I have written and I think I just needed a good write. I have much to look forward to in the coming days. Christmas is my favortie. Last weekend Chris and I decorated a gingerbread house. That was our date night. It was awesome and I loved it, better yet it was his idea too. This weekend I am doing an Eclipse party and I am super excited. Thank you Kellie for bringing it out of me, I am starting to feel like me again. It's been a while. Then we are having Christmas Eve at our house this year which I am super excited for. I have so much to get done before then though. Well that is my novel for now. I need to write more often apparently.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentines day!
On Valentines day Chris and I decided to keep it simple, and not spend a lot of money. We weren't supposed to get each other gifts...he didn't stick to that... and he got me 2 really pretty necklaces. I stuck to our deal of just making a nice romantic dinner and my surprise desert. So I made a heart shaped fruit pizza just for Chris, because he loves berries and I dispise them, I made it full of berries. Here is a picture.
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