Acceptance, love and all the things in between

wow, been a while. I guess I got overwhelmed and got behind again. Well since last I wrote, I have survived this semester. I am in my last week, I have one final and two e-porfolio papers to write and I am done. I hope I do well on my history final. This teacher has been ridiculous and hard to please. I am happy to pass with a C and I don't get C's. Her workload and expectations were unreal for a general education class. Such is life I guess.

As another year draws to a close, and I can't help but think about how fast this year has flown. So many things happened this year, some simply amazing others not so pleasant. But all in all it has been an amazing year of self discovery, and though I would never want to relive certain things, its weird to say I am glad they happened and can honestly say that everything happens for a reason.

Chris and I had some real struggles this year, and the way it happend was heartbreaking and gut wrenching, but I am glad we are where we are, we would not be what we are today without it I believe. We have this communication and honesty now that I had longed for and would not change for anything in the world. I am grateful to him and for him. I can honestly say that I married my best friend and I fall more and more inlove with him each and every day. A previous relationship that always haunted me I was able to put to rest, and stop being angry and blaming myself, and realize that I was so happy that, that relationship failed. I am actually grateful that that relationship was nothing that I wanted, I had convinced myself I didn't deserve better, and it was okay to settle for almost. I smile now to think I am not stuck in a lifestyle and realtionship that I hate, and with a person who does not know how to love and makes me cry for fun. Chris strives to make me smile, and is usually pretty successful. He is also a very private person, as am I. I love that things are just between he and I. We have all these secrets and inside jokes that are just for us. and I adore that. I would not trade it for the world. He has shown me what love really is, and before him I am positive I never knew. He calls me out when I am being a brat and while I am pissed in the moment I am so glad that he does. I love the honesty in our relationship. I love that I am learning to not fly off the handle, and to take a step back and really think about things, internalize and even apologize. He has brought this out in me, and I am truley grateful and thankful.

This year I found some true friends, and lost some superficial ones. I will say that I am so grateful for the true ones and I haven't missed the others. I'm thankful for the repreive from all the drama. I am glad that I recognized that I was being used, manipulated, and treated like the help, and knew that I deserved better. A lot of untrue things were said about me this year and a lot of people loved the attention that cyber bullying gave them, while I sat in silence at their cruelty, as they continued to fight with themselves. I was the bigger person, and never said anything to anyone, I can count on one hand the people I even confided in, when the bullying became too much, and these people do not talk to them anyways. And well that is my right, and I deserve the right to have someone to vent too when I have a batch of mean girls who act like they are in high school putting a social hit on me. Because lets face it, all the lies that were spead, if I stood up for myself than I was what they said. So, I blocked them all and hoped for the best. Honestly this year has taught me that there are so many more important things going on, and that I am above the childish games and drama. I was in a a no win situation from the begining. I had to choose and I chose my marraige so I had to tell a lie. I would have been blamed either way. I will say though I told a lie, I will never need a lie and all those who jumped aboard with their untrue statments, Well I guess if that gets you through the night. I know the truth, and that is all that matters. I am this horrible bad guy and they take no accountability. I am not perfect, I have not always been a good friend, or person. I have tried my best, I have often failed, and as with every human I am not perfect, but I try and sometimes, people don't allow you to change. I have no apologies and no regrets. I would tell this lie again tomorrow, because I saw who people really were and what they thought. I am truley blessed for that one lie.

Another great thing I found this year was acceptance of who I was and who I have become. I have been in contact with an old firend, we were once joined at the hip. Life happens and things fall apart. Now, in talking to each other, I have felt so loved and accepted. She has made me feel valuable. How many people can say that a friendship can make them feel that way? I think this is a first for me. She knew the old broken messed up me and she knows me now and still better than anyone really, and she loves me. ME, not who she thinks I should be, but the person I actually am now and the one that I used to be. She appreciates the things that at my core make me who I am. She is proud of who I have become. And I cannot tell you what an incredible feeling it is. She has made me feel like I am a friend worth having, not someone "to apologize for." Because of her I know that I am a good person, though at times misguided, and who hasn't been. I am not perfect or extrodinary, but I am valuable. Thank you friend! Words cannot do you justice. I am so blessed that we are again friends, I believe you to be a soulmate, we have always been connected though we have been apart. I love you!

Also I am thankful to again have a sense of sisterhood and family. I have grown so close this year to Mindy. I feel so much comfort in her. I remember when we were little we were partners in crime, and spent most days in the corner. We were closer than sisters, though we would still watch Autumn eat dirt, you were my best freind through many years growing up. Though I lived in a different state I held this piece of my heart that was for you. Then my mom died and me and my feelings and my life was so messed up. When I moved back we just never had that click again, until this year. I know you don't know what has been going on this year, but you have over extended yourself to me anyways. You have been a comfort to me and made me laugh all these times I just wanted to cry. There are times I felt like I was dying inside and you swept in and made things seem imposibly better just because you were there. You knew there was something wrong but you never pushed me you were just there. I cannot tell you how much this and you have meant to me this last year. Thanks Min, I love you!

Wow I kind of wrote a novel, and went off on a tangent or two. It has been a while since I have written and I think I just needed a good write. I have much to look forward to in the coming days. Christmas is my favortie. Last weekend Chris and I decorated a gingerbread house. That was our date night. It was awesome and I loved it, better yet it was his idea too. This weekend I am doing an Eclipse party and I am super excited. Thank you Kellie for bringing it out of me, I am starting to feel like me again. It's been a while. Then we are having Christmas Eve at our house this year which I am super excited for. I have so much to get done before then though. Well that is my novel for now. I need to write more often apparently.