So while cleaning out my things for a yardsale I have come across so many what nots that remind me of people and times in my life. Often times they feel like a different life, it's like standing on the side watching it happen to someone else. I made so many mistakes with my heart and trust. It's interesting to see how far I have come, but at the same time wierd to think about how lost I once was. It's often uncomfortable coming across a memory where you have to think "what was I thinking?" I have had some horrible taste in friends and love interests. I guess this is bound to happen when you are young, lonely and just lost in general. I am so happy to be where I am now. And so happy to have met a man like Chris. Without all those other bad memories and mistakes though I probly wouldnt see how rare and special Chris is. So I guess I should be thankful for small miracles.
it's interesting that this all started with a terrible relationship and spiraled horribly out of control. My high school sweetheart and I were involved in somewhat of a car wreck of a relationship. It started out loving enough then became something so horrible. I lost who I was completly, what I became instead didn't even come close to resembling my stubborn bullheaded personality. I lost my pride, my confidence, my security, my trust, and my fatih in humanity. I lost so many things, that at my core made me who I was. I felt hallow. I feel like I was emotionally raped. But I can't completly blame him, I stayed and I thought I didn't deserve anything or anyone better. Maybe when he gave me a promise ring and I promised to be his, I should have had him promise to be faithful, and not intentionally break my heart. In my self delusion, I honestly thought that there could never possibly be anyone better than him. That I could never love anyone as much as him and he couldn't love anyone as much as me. I wasted 5 years of my life, and looking back, all I have to show was learning that that wasn't love. People who love each other don't do the things he and I did to hurt each other. I mean its a great lesson and all, but 5 tumultuous years together than all the recovery time is a lot of wasted time in my opinion. Rough lesson.
Moving to Utah was my chance to start over. Get away from the small town that drew us together no matter how hard we fought to stay apart. But new beginings arent't all they are cracked up to be. I met my dad's family, and learned some about my roots. Some of these family members were and are an awesome part of my life. Some, mainly my dad sucked what little bit of soul I had left right out of me. I was already a hallow shell of a human being wondering through life trying to find a reason, purpose or just someone who cared and wasn't using me for something. And I let a lot of people walk all over me, use and abuse me, and I couldn't care or get away. I am not proud of some of the things I did in that very dark period of my life, one of which being that I was slowly becoming an alcoholic. Because I hated myself and everyone that surrounded me. It's scary to look back and think how dark my life really was, and how helpless I felt to do anything about it.
I met a few people whose intentions were anything but pure and I let them suck me further into a hole of despair, I went all too willingly though, I was a masochist that way. I couldn't see the writing on the wall. I let them manipulate, play and use me for years, and was in denial that they were truley harmful to me and that thier intentions weren't purely selfish. I felt completely helpless at times. I hated my life, I hated myself, I often thought of ending my suffering, and sadly yet remarkibly the only thing that ever stopped me was my cats. My love for them, and knowing that they would likely be thrown into a shelter and probly put to sleep. They are my babies, and I couldn't do that to them. I know for any non animal lover this seems utterly ridiculous... but it got me through each difficult day. Loving an animal, any animal opens up so much compassion in a person. Ask Chris, he never thought he would love any animal let alone a cat, and yet he does. The other thing that got me through was praying that there was something better in life, that there had to be, this couldn't be it... That there were people who wouldn't use me and spend my money (what very little I had), who weren't fake to my face and tell horrible lies behind my back, and that there were people who were real true friends, and people who really cared and basically I prayed to find someone like Chris who would love me. All of me, for me, the good the bad and the dark and scary. Someone who could see so much good in me that I couldn't see myself and would make me want to be a better person. I still feel like he is too good for me, and that I am not worthy. But I try everyday to love him and be the person I think he deserves.
I know this post is deep dark and kind of random, but it is amazing the memories that can pop up from the simpliest of things. I am glad I moved to Utah, because in my very bumpy road to self disovery I met the man of my dreams, someone to love, who will truly love me back. I found security and peace, and I get a family. But at the same time, I feel like Utah almost ruined me. I know I needed to move away from Idaho. But in Idaho I knew who my friends were. I knew so many people, but thier were only a very few who I knew were truely my friends. I knew thier intentions. I feel like I moved away when I wasn't in a state of mind mentally to make sound choices in friends and relationships. But at the same time, another lesson learned. I can have regrets, but in the end I have to be grateful that no matter how painful the raod or the lesson, It made me the person I am today. Someone who is worthy of love, true love, and amazing firendships. Someone who no matter how hopeless It seemed even two years ago, has had most of thier dreams come true.
So honestly no matter how painful the memory, or how much I cringe when I come across an awkward or uncomfortable part of my past, I have to remember to be so thankful for it, cause it brought me to where I am today. And that is sooo happy. I trust my instincts again, I trust my heart and it has taken me far in the last year and a half. I know the people in my life now are real friends and love me for the real me, and there is nothing more anyone could ever ask for.
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