4 Day Weekend...

First off I have to share a funny story. So Chris who is extremely hard on phones, no idea how he tears them up soo bad. Anyways his old phone was on its last licks of life and we can't afford a new one right now. Well in all my yardsale stuff I have a ton of old phones to sell well I grabbed my old motorolla pebble out its still in great shape, charged it up and we put his sim card in it. Well I used this phone like 4 or 5 years ago.. so Chris is at work with all these important people and I text him. He texts back whoa holy crap that was embarrassing. Apparently the text tone was still set as Sexy back by Justin Timberlake. I don't care who you are that was just way to funny. And of course I can see him freaking out trying to shut it up. Way too funny to not share.

Well back to work back to work. 4 day weekends always seem to fly by so fast. We had a jam packed weekened though. I was actually pretty lazy on Friday, I was so exhausted. Think I am still recouperating from when I was sick. Saturday was my amazing husband 30th birthday. I spent most of the day doing laundry and folding and marking clothes for our yardsale this next weekend. Then I baked Chris red, white and blue cupcakes. He also requested broccoli salad so I made that as well and we went over to his sisters for dinner.

It was a way fun evening at his sisters. I was kinda relieved she offered to host, I have been a little burnt out lately and it was nice to relax. Anne made the most amazing Cuban sandwhiches and they had this mouthwatering sauce. So need to get that recipe it was so good, Chris and I have been talking about all the things it would taste good on for the last few days. We also had watermelon, love watermelon. Then Chris made homemade chocolate chip ice cream, and his mom made homemade straberry and Vanilla. We got these amazing Cuisinart ice cream makers from Judy for Christmas and We make so much ice cream now. its so much cheaper than buying it and it's fresh and delicious. After dinner we all chatted and took a family picture. I got some fun pictures of Chris playing with Anne, his brothers and Hannah and Isaac. I used my coolpix camera though so the action shots are blurry. I didn't feel like hauling the big camera though. We also did fireworks With Anne, Darrin, Hannah, Isaac and Jonny. That was nice. That was the only night we did fireworks. Though from about the first through last night I felt like I was in a war zone. Fireworks were so loud this year.

Sunday we were really productive. We cleaned out the garage and got all our boxes we had stashed in thier marked for the yardsale. I got eaten alive by mosquitos. Plus we were getting dive bombed by June bugs... creepy little buggers... ick.

On Monday Chris had this amazing idea to built a little shelf for our dresser. We wanted to put the playstation in our bedroom so we could have Netflix in there, but you can't put anything on top of it becuase of the shape. We also wanted our TV a little higher up. We together we measured and sawed the pices for our little stand, put it together and I primed he painted. It turned out pretty good. You can see it here

Birthday boy

this picture was strictly for the goofy look on Darin's face. Too Funny!!


Red, White and blue cupcakes.

Baby bump 19 weeks. Though I look huge, I have only gained 2 lbs.

Boys playing

Just caught a glimpse of thier childhood. Matt is on the other end pitching.

Always coaching

Fun family weekend

Well this last weekend was a blast! Friday night Lee and Malynn came to stay with us. We BBQ'ed, chicken for dinner and had corn on the cob and huge green salads. Sooo much food. We were all soooo full, but I still made a big pan of bean dip, but that wasn't enough so we went for a ride and rented some movies. We went to Smith's and bought all kinds of ridiculous junk food as well. Lee bought a huge bag of taffys. We bought drinks and ice cream bars, and the fixings for Malynn to make her famous french toast cassorole. We had quite the adventure at Smith's.

We came home and pumped up our air mattress and put it in the floor so we could comfortably watch movies, since my couch upstairs is super small and the basement is still a wreck so we can't use the couches yet. It was so fun like a big slumber party. We were all soooo full and it had been a long day and we started the movie late. We are all old cause I fell asleep and woke up at one point during the movie and we were all passed out. What I did see of the movie was great though. I had so much fun at our little slumber party. Then the next day Malynn and Lee made us breakfast since we had made them dinner, a nice yummy breakfast that I didn't have to cook... I'll take it. LOL

Saturday after our glorious breakfast we headed up to Franklin Idaho to visit Sue and Roy. They do a craft show up thier every year for Idaho days. Its such a beautiful drive up through Logan, its about an hour and a half but seems so short cause you get lost in the scenery. We had a fun little visit with Sue and Roy as always. Sue also made me an adorable quilt for the baby, it was white and lime green fleece, sooo cute. Love those guys wish we could see them more often.

Sunday was pretty eventful for me. Chris was working at home, and I was going through every room in our house and pulling stuff out for yardsale. Man I feel like I weeded through a lot of stuff. It feels great to clean out and get rid of stuff I have just hung onto. I went through my books, which for me is hard, I am then type that loves having books around. they are comforting for me. My mom had bookshelves full of books, and so did my grandpa. So all my favorite childhood places had tons of books. But I managed to think objectivly and get rid of books, I didn't want to read, didn't like, or would just never read again. Honestly I got rid of quite a few, which is great cause I just bought a new series at the used bookstore a couple weeks back and was wondering where I was gonna put em. Plenty of room now. I also went through my movies again, went through my jewlery, I had jewelry from like Jr high all my chokers and such, never gonna wear em agian need to get rid of stuff. I did about 6 boxes of stuff and marked them all. I still have quite a bit to go through though... I have a ton of clothes I need to wash fold and mark. Also we have a huge pile in the garage I need to go through, but it was stacked high and heavy and I couldn't do it by myself so I have to wait for chris on that one. But I finally decided on a date we are gonna have our yardsale on July 8th and 9th.

We put our old dryers (yes plural.. long story) and the old cabinets in our house on KSL last night. I am hoping to get them all sold, make a little money to finish our basement. We need to relay the carpet, frame and drywall the laundry room and tile it. But then if we can make some good money at our yardsale man alive we can have the basement finished, the pantry finished and get the paint and beadboard for the babies room. I don't want to get too ahead of myself but we havc a ton of yarsale stuff and good stuff too. Margie donated a lot of her stuff some of it still brand new and in packages. I have a few things like this as well. I think it will do pretty good. I am not sure where to advertise though. we really need to do well though to fund getting our projects finished. fingers crossed.

One last thing I did on Thursday that was super exciting. I sold my old sewing machine last Wednesday, and took that money and found an awesome dresser on KSL that I can repaint to match the nursery furniture and bought that and still had money left over. It's prefect cause that dresser has the perfect measurements for a changing pad. So since I can't condone spending so much on a changing table that you probly won't use for very long. I can still use the dresser for a changing table then use the dresser for a long time after that. I can't wait to prime it and get it ready for chris to paint. I can prime it but I can't spray paint it. Spray paint will hold up better than regular paint in a kids room, I think, but since I am prego I am limited on what I can do. But I am gonna take the wood knobs and have Chris spray them and make them look like metal hardware till we can afford nicer hardware and I think its a great start. Our crib has been on backorder for a couple months but its coming in stock on the 5th of July so hopefully we can finally get it. I am so excited for all the things that lie ahead. Also Chris's 30th birthday is this coming weekend, July 2nd, the same day as my Grapo's. If that's not fate I don't know what is. LOL. I feel bad that we are poor and can't really do anything for his birthday. I am gonna make him cupcakes and a dinner and invite his fam over. Hopefully that will be an okay birthday. I hate that money is o tight, but hopefully things will get better soon. Well better go for now.

Love this pic cause you can see my baby bump

awe so sweet.. my other parents

Chris making the paste for the French toast cassorole and getting mugged

Making the paste for the cassorole still

A good cheesy picture...Lee is chewing...and Myn looks decievingly innocent

our air matress slumber party..

Lee's huge bag of taffy

Myn and Lee

Its a Girl!!!

Okay well we are not 100 %. But at my last appointment he said I am pretty sure you're having a girl but I won't tell you 100 % until your next visit. But Chris and I have thought it was a girl from the beginning so I am thinking it probly really is. But I guess we will find out 100% on July 12. Either way I am so super excited for this baby. I cannot wait to meet her or possibly him I guess.

So this last week I have been soo sick. It sucks being sick when your pregnant, cause you really can't take anything for it. I have had a sinus infection, and where I really am not big on taking medicine and I have a pretty high pain tolerance, I have been miserable. I would have killed for Nyquil and Mucinex. Nyquil is just soothing when your sick.. but no soothing for me. I can't even take Emergency.. Love that stuff. The only thing I have been able to take is Tylenol, and I have been doing a sinus rinse 3 times a day, which let me tell you has been soo gross. Without it though, I so wouldn't even be where I am at in the getting better process. Until yesterday I really haven't slept a whole lot or good for about a week. Yesterday after about 1.5 hours of sleep I called in to work. There was no way I was going to make it through a 10 hour day with the way I felt and no sleep. I was at that phase where you're uncomfortable, you have the heebie jeebies, you're in pain, your emotional from sleep deprivation and all you can do is cry which makes things worse. Then I laid down round 9 and slept till almost 2. Almost 5 hours, and it was amazing. I slept hard I didn't even move from where I fell asleeep. I woke up soaked though.. when pregnant if you sleep under covers and don't move around or push the covers off you wake up wet I have found. But man I felt like a million bucks. Almost 5 hours of sleep not interupted with whimpers, choking, coughing, or gaggingor feeling like I swallowed a hot poker. It was bliss. And I am starting to sound less like a man when I talk, plus I can actually talk.

Anyways enough of being sick, I am so excited! I finished my quilt I was talking about a while back. The one carla gave me the pieces to. It turned out pretty good for my very first quilt ever. Working with bias tape for the firt time was interesting too.. let me tell you. But I will put the pictures below. It's so warm and snuggly too becuase of the fleece back. I love it. Plus boy or girl it will still be a great blanket. I am doing the nursery in green and brown, but even though this blanket in none of those colors you will always need a ton of blankets.

Here is one shot of it.. in fours..

here it is spread out in half. I love the bright colors and how they all look so good together...

So much to do, So little time and money...

Well I am done with school for the summer. I am excited to catch up on some reading and relaxing. There are so many summer projects Chris and I have planned or going. We need to finish the laundry room in the basement. Then once I don't have to hike over the grand canyon I can go to my craft/sewing room and work on the many projects I need to accomplish before summer is over. I call it the grand canyon cause there is a trench down the middle of our family room from the laundry room to the mechanical room where they laid pipe for the new drain. the concrete is still dug up and its a nightmare down there really. But the good news is its almost done. They just need to repour the concrete, then they can start framing and drywalling. Then once we put tile down we can move the washer and dryer down there. I am just excited to clean. It is an unbelievable mess. dust from sawing the concrete is everywhere. Then they will patch up the holes in the cieling in the guest room and we can finally move the guest room back downstairs. As of now the bed is in the baby's room.

Once we move the guest room back downstairs we can start on the baby's room. I am so excited. We created a couple registries for baby stuff already and that made me super excited. I know its early still but I wanted to see what all babies needed for must haves and all the things in between. I am hoping chris and I can put 100 dollars each month into buying stuff for the baby so we are stocked up and ready to go when it arrives. It may seem hard to do all of this already since we won't learn the sex of the baby until next week, assuming it cooperates. But I already know my colors. Green and brown. I am not a pink person if its a girl and really not a blue person if its a boy. so I figure that is a happy medium and they have so many sweet cute things in those colors.

After the laundry room is finished and the guest room moves back downstairs, We are using the laundy closet in our kitchen for a new pantry. So we will build new shelves in it and have way more room and way easier access. Then eventually we will put french doors on it to give a homier feel. Also we are using our now pantry for small appliances and all my pans and dishes that are now stored in the cabinets We are trying to sell that were in the soon to be laundry room and the garage. So many plans so little time and money. We would have had the alundry room done already had we not had to step back and rebudget again first. Things have been super tight lately. I just can't wait until my basement is no longer chaos. I miss my comfy couch. LOL. Plus I am dying to clean downstairs... I hate dust and the carpet is gross where they have tracked dirt and dust everywhere.... Plus my mantle is coverd in dust... The little OCD in me is going crazy.

I am excited to be able to work in my craft room though. technically I could now. But where the basement is all closed off and seems desolate due to construction it kinda gives me the heebie jeebies. I mean I am in a little corner room with about three doors between me and the upstairs, what f I cut a finger of or sew it to something. My husband is deaf when I am sitting right next to him, I would hate to think about an emergency that tucked away. I know sounds irrational. Just gives me the heebie jebbies as I said before.

At any rate for my birthday Carla had given me a crib size batting for a quilt and some funky quilt pieces to make a quilt. I have all the squares cut and pinned and my pattern drawn and measured. I am super excited to start sewing it, and finally use my new machine I got for my birthday. Plus I finally found the last color I wanted for my owl quilt. So I need to cut those squares and finish that quilt. I made matching pillow cases for that already, and I decided since the quilt will be our TV blanket I want to make a matching one for the baby. I have more than enough material for it. When it was on sale I got like 8 yards just for the quilt and I already had the two yards for my pillow cases. Seems overboard but it is adorable material. Now I just need the space to lay out queen sized quilt batting and figure out how many squares and the pattern I like so I can make sure I have enough cut. But I need my living room space that is under construction for that. Also there is furniture hanging out in my craft room becuase of the construction. Blah... I have so many patterns for things I can make for the babies room I am so excited to make them. I am going to make the bedding and curtains, and the bumpers and the dust ruffle for the crib. I have somany aspirations, we will see how many I get done, thinking about them all makes me want to take a nap. LOL

I am randomly going on and on, but the point is this is what we are busy with and working on. I am wanitng to get all my stuff gone through as we are going to have a big yard sale and have so much to put in it. And the money earned will be going towards our basement/pantry/ baby room fund. And hopefully we can get them all finished before the fall. Also today is Chris and I's 3 year anniversary. WOW, seems like yesterday but at the same time so long ago. Its funny cause our 6 year anniversary of being together came and went on May 8th, and about 5 days later we were like wait a minute, neither one of us remembered. funny how life gets so crazy and when you slow down for a minute you realize you missed something. LOL. Since we are doing an anniversary on a budget, I am making homemade pizza pockets for dinner and Chris is making homemade ice cream for desert. I still think its just being together that makes the day. Well I will write again when we find out the sex of the baby. I am so excited. I have a hunch its a girl, I have always thought I would have a girl first, but I could be wrong so we will see if I have been calling it the wrong name all this time. Until next week.

The Best is Yet to Come

Well I have been so ecstatic to share this news on my blog! I have been impatiently waiting until we had shared with our close family. Chris and I are EXPECTING! and we are due ON Thanskgiving. We are so over the moon. We were cautious still at first, because we had a miscarrage a few years back. So we wanted to wait until we knew we were out of the woods so to speak, not that you ever really are. We have seen the heartbeat! Nothing can ever prepare you for how amazing that little blessing is.. a heartbeat..... We get to go and hear the heartbeat on the 17th, I cannot wait. That was my New Year's wish and resolution. I knew this would be our year.

Luckily for me, I have not been super sick. Not to say that I have felt great cause I certainly haven't. But you hear about all these women who can't keep anything down and are so sick and miserable. I feel lucky that I have still been able to work. I will tell you though I have felt so queasy most days though that I feel like I could be sick at any moment, I just never get sick. The thing that is killing me the most is I am hungry and tired ALL THE TIME. I have to take 15 min power naps on my breaks sometimes just to get through the day. Also I miss coffee. Coffee and me we were tight. Now even thinking about coffee really kind of makes me queasy. I think about how good it used to be, and then I think about how sick it makes me now. blah..

I feel like all my dreams are coming true. I have wanted a baby since I was like 20, though it was obviously never a good time. LOL. I know it sounds weird, but I always worried I would die before I had a baby. That scared me becuase then there would be no one to carry on part of me or my memory. I know this stems from my mom. She died at 32 years old. I was an only child, and her legacy. I have been terrified of 32 since then, and have gotten anxious as I have aged over the years. I will be 32 next year, and though it is irrational to think I will die at 32 as well, I have always wanted to have a child before then, so if the worst did happen, I had someone to carry on my legacy. 32 is my scary age. I will then, God willing, live longer than my mother did and that actually seems wierd to me.

Anyways, I am so excited! I cannot wait to find out if its a boy or girl. I have so much sewing to do. We told Chris's family mothers day weekend, and they were ecstatic. We told the Aunts this last weekend, and Margie's reaction almost ruined my day but she actually was happier than she seemed at first and she is all excited. Sue and Sparky were super happy as well. Sue even gave me some of her children's books. This meant so much to me as I lost all the childrens books I had saved from my childhood in the great storage unit debacle. She had some of the older little golden books. She also gave me some super cute newer series. Gonna have to start reading to the baby everynight. Well that's it for now. Been bursting to share.

Light in Darkness

Recently I heard this quote, "Life they say can turn on a dime. In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet, the only thing we know for certain is how we feel. The love we have, the fear we hide from, the pain we push away…give them a voice and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart." I instantly loved it. Its so true in so many ways. I have been thinking a lot lately, about life, friendships, love and happiness.

I am so happy right now. I am so happy with my life and the love, friendships and people in it. I have not been this happy in a long time. I have been trying to put my finger on what has happened that has just helped me be so happy. Granted no one is happy all the time, but for the most part I really can't complain. I came to the conclusion that it is because I am being me, and the people in my life now accept me for who I am . I love me, I love being me and I love not having to apologize for who I am. I have tore away all the bull shit, and decided to just be me with no apologies. I have decided that people can accept me for who I really am, or they are not worth having in my life. I spent so much time apologizing for saying what I meant, being honest, having an opinion, and just speaking what I really felt. I was expected to be something I was not, so I could tiptoe around feelings and the truth of situations. In so many cases I stayed silent because I didn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if I spoke up, or spoke my mind, because I was made to feel my thoughts, opinions and truth were not okay. There for this made me quiet when I should have spoken my mind. I am afterall a Korb, and what are we if not brutally honest and far from quiet.

Once I stopped pretending to be something I wasn't, its like the sun has come out in my world. I know the people that are still in my life, truly love me 100% for me. Just me, and I don't have to apologize for my desicions to better myself financially, educationally or spiritually. This probably doesn't make sense I am sure. But there were people in my life and situations I have been put in that made me become someone I wasn't, someone I hated. Last January, everything in my life changed, including how I felt. I realized life was too short to not be honest with myself, and let me be me. If people don't like me that is thier problem not mine. I shouldn't change for other people, to make them feel better about themselves. I now just feel so free and happy.

Some people are just different and sometimes people just can't click because they are just too different. I always felt like a failure if I couldn't make something work. but lets face it friendships should not be that hard. They should be easy and comfortable, and yes sometimes they will require work, but it shouldn't feel like a never ending project. People who were once close grow apart, and people who once didn't get along grow close. It's part of growing up I have learned. As you get older you find the friends you had in high school or even just after sometimes just don't grow to want the same things in life that you do and it becomes hard to have a relationship in the present. You'll always have the past, but there is only so long that you can look back, before you have to look forward again. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, or that either of you are wrong for what you want in the present, it just means you have found your path and maybe it splits from thiers. I felt so bad for a while cause I felt like some of my oldest friends had moved on in life and left me behind. I felt like there was something wrong cause I couldn't keep the friendship that we once had. When I finally realized sometimes friends aren't permanent. sometimes people come in your life when you really need them and/or they really need you, and then the go just as quickly. It's sad to think but at the same time, do you cherish the memories you have of them any less cause they aren't in your present or future? I don't think so. They were there at a point when they were meant to be.

For some of these people and friendships I still feel like though we don't talk all the time, its like no time has passed when we do talk again. There have been a few friendships in my life where the people just got me and I could be me. I could share with them the darkness of how cruel the world can be and they understood cause they had seen some sort of darkness to. I didn't have to apologize for not wanting to smile and be fake and pretend like the world and life is just puppy dogs and rainbows, becuase it isn't always. There have been times where its hard to get out of bed in there morning or muster a smile during the day. And these few friends have always made me feel loved and understood. They have understood the pain I didn't have the words to speak, and they accepted me darkness and all. I don't have to apologize cause I have been, in the words of Nine inch Nails, "beaten, bruised, forgotten, sore, to f#&ked up to care anymore."

I have had two friends that I have always held so much love for, Jasna and Carla. Carla and I still speak and see each other when life permits, its like no time has passed when we talk, we can always pick up where we left off. She is like the other half to my whole in so many ways. Then there is Jasna, her and I rarely speak anymore. not that we aren't friends cause we still are. But we just don't spend 24/7 together like we once did, years pass before we see each other. I think she was another one of those freindships that we both needed in a period of our lives. She had experienced loss and seen so much hate in the world, that she understood how hard it is to be positive sometimes, how hard it is to laugh instead of cry. She always understood me without judgment. For these friends I think back and remember being truly happy in thier presence. They always saw the real me, the one I had to hide behind fake smiles to please others who thought I should always be happy and positive. I am so thankful for thier roles in my life. I am so thankful that in some of my darkest hours they were there to light my way, with reassurance and love. There are not words to say how much those friendships have given me courage to speak how I feel and not be afraid to be me. Becuse no matter who is there to push you down, they were there to pull me back up. I feel so much pride knowing I had these friends.

I know I am kinda off on a random tangent here, but I have been so introspective lately.. I am so truly happy. For once I am not afraid my happiness will be ripped from me. I am just happy. Being this happy has made me think a lot about my road to get here. Paved with obstacles and people who tried to tear me down and break me. I had to write a six word memoir in English, and I thought about mine for such a long time. I came up with the perfect one for me. "Broken, but still not your victim." It sums up my life I swear. I am tired of being made a victim of someones cruelty. I am learning to just move on and forgive. That one phrase just touches so many injustices of my childhood on into adulthood. It felt empowering for me. I am glad I got the chance to write it. who would have thought 6 little words could say so much.

Chris and I are going on a new journey in life. I am so excited to put to rest the darkness of the past. I am excited for a new start, and chance at true and unconditional love. most of all I am so happy I can't stop smiling. I have so many blessings in my life, and I thank God everyday for them.

March Blues

Every March like clock work, I feel pretty blue... oddly sometimes I don't even realize why at first. I just start to feel kinda somber, then a few days in it will hit me... MARCH. March is a horrible month for me. It's the month my mom died. Though it has been 18 years, I still get really sad. As I get older and time goes on, I think I get more sad because I was 12 when she died, she has been gone 18 years now. I have lived more of my life without her than I did with her. Also I can't see her clearly in my mind anymore, she has been blurry for years. Though once in a great while I can hear a song that takes me back to my life with her and for a fleeting moment and can see her clearly even smell her, then it's gone.

I start to wonder what she would look like now, what she would be doing... so many what if's. The what if's tend to haunt me. I miss her. I have however been able to put to rest some issues with my mom in therepy this last year. I have since the day she died always thought it was my fault and that I killed her. I already thought this and the fact that my grandmother held me down on her stairs the day I learned my mom was brain dead and slapped my face and told me I killed her only confirmed the guilt I felt. I never really spoke of the guilt I felt to anyone because I felt like they would validate it and I already had a hard time living with how I felt. Only recently I learned this could not have been my fault and was able to let go of a lifetime of guilt and anguish. My mother had an aneurysm, and she was only 32 years old. She had high blood pressure, and could not take her blood pressure medication and drink. So she chose to drink instead. Well needless to say she always had a headache because of her choice. So when she came home that day, 18 years ago today to be exact, she said it was the worst headache she'd had. She asked if I thought she should go to the doctor. What I said has always haunted me. I said no. She always had a headache. For years I kept wishing I could go back and say yes. But was 12, that is a lot of responsibility to put on a 12 year old.

She had come home early from work and taken some benedryl meds that usually helped with her sinus' and headaches. We talked briefly and she went to sleep. I was on Spring break and was dong laundry and what not, and a few hours later, she got up again and took some more meds, she was kinda cranky so I didn't talk to her much. A while after that I remember I was putting laundry away in my room, and kept hearing the strangest noises. My mom was a HEAVY sleeper. I mean she could sleep through a hurricane. Sometimes she talked in her sleep so at this point I wasn't really worried. I went in to her room and she was making funny noises like she was driving in NASCAR or something. She was clutching her sweatshirt while making the noises. At this age I really had no idea that she was having a seizure. I just thought she was having a strange dream. I tried to wake her up, of course she didn't wake. Being a heavy sleeper, I didn't want to over react. She had a short temper, and I was afraid if I called 911 or something she would wake up and beat my ass.

I called our neighbor Michelle to come over to see if she could wake her. She wasn't home, so I called my grandma's house. My aunt Margie was there, and said she would come right over. She got there almost immediatly, she went in and tried to wake her as well. She splashed water on her and kinda slapped her cheeks a little wtih no response... She told me to call 911. while waiting for the abulance she woke up. I walked in the room and she was sitting up looking at Margie, and she said" Bet, I just called an ambulance, are you okay?" I remember her just looking at Margie, so I said "mom?" and she turned and looked at me, and I just knew... she had no idea who I was. She just kept blankly staring as if she wasn't seeing anything, then she laid back down and went to sleep. That was the last time she woke up. Those two moments have always haunted me. First me telling her no don't go, then her looking at her own daughter and having no idea who I was, or probably even who she was was.

At the Emergency room they were trying to determine what was wrong. In the small town of Burley, medical care is not major, they sent big things to places like Salt Lake City, Utah or Boise, Idaho. They thought at first she may have overdosed cause I mentioned she had taken pills twice. They finally took her back to her own room, and we had spoken to a neurologist. They were going to life light her to SLC. They said she had, had an aneurysm and there wasn't much they could do at thier facilities in Burley. At this point they didn't know the extent. They thought maybe she could pull through, but would have to learn things like speaking and walking all over again. By the next morning they had determined she was brain dead, and all the hopes of her recovering were crushed. I remember thinking, where am I going to live? Not a thought you want to have at 12 years old. My father was not in the picture and my mom was all I had.

Luckily for me my mom's sister Margie, said she would adopt me if I wanted to live with her. And I did. She adopted me after a couple years of custody battles, restraining orders and court appointed couselors, to determine if my father should get custody. Luckily he was not fit, still isn't. 18 years later I can still remember those couple days like they were yesterday, yet I can't see her face clearly anymore on the good memories.

A few years ago, a lady that some of my coworkers worked with previously had an aneurysm. like my moms it had ruptured, but the technology they have now days is amazing. They were able to put this rod or spring type thing in to close the vien, and she had to relearn everything, talking, walking simple things, but a few years later is fine. I feel kinda bitter that this couldn't have happened with my mom. A ruptured aneurysm was a death sentence then, but not anymore. I am glad someone else won't have to experience what I did. But I just wish she had been so lucky too. Well that was a depressing blog, but I feel a little better venting.