Fresh Start

As I was sitting here avoiding my homework, and rather well, I was thinking... this is our year. It is I can feel it. Last year was so crappy. It started crappy and went down hill from there. This year had an interesting start, but I think.. I know... that this will be it. I decided to change my blog up a little. Fresh start needs a new look, newer pics and so on.

I know I am babbling here. I am just so excited for whats to come this year. I can't wait. We are almost finished with all the painting in our house, and we are putting in a laundry room, I AM STOKED! lol. Dramatic yes, but I am. in between the mountain of homework I will be doing all semster I will be finishing up furniture pieces for our house, or finding just that right piece. And I pray that my new years wish comes true. I will let you know later if it did.

yep, this is our year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Well I made it through Christmas! It was if-y for a bit there, lol. Man alive the holidays are my favorite but this year I was like so behind on everything. I love to wrap that is my ultimate favorite. This year I was wrapping right up to deadlines for parties and gatherings. Only wrappng what I needed for what party. I spent like 12 hours one day making pillow cases. They turned out great, but wow was that an investment in time. But my first real sewing project was a success. I got a late start cause I was doing homework right up until about the 14th. then between work and holiday parties and baking... whew! I am looking forward to a quiet New Years.

I have found these last few years that I hate going out and being in traffic with hoards of drunk, loud people and then worrying about driving on the roads. Its nice to just chill at home with my hubby. This year I was thinking maybe doing a early movie then playing board games. I love board games, my family used to get totgether every new years and play board games and have munchies and watch the new year come in. Loved those.

Chritmas this year was awesome though. We did the Christmas Eve party for Chris's family at our house this year. It turned out pretty well I would have to say. I recieved an awesome book on refurbishing and refinishing from Anne and Darrin, it has some fabulous ideas. I made my Stroganoff, and a Olive Garden Esque salad with thier dressing. Then I found this new recipe for these double chocolate peppermint cookies, they turned out great, warmed then up and put them with ice cream for desert. It was pretty good. Chri's mom got us an ice cream maker for Chritmas, that was awesome. We have already used it. Chris is a ice cream junky. I always joke that its his heroine.

Man I was so spoiled for Christmas this year. Chris got my this awesome frozen drink maker. It will save on our Jo's bill. LOL. Margie got me lots of wonderful things, including pampered chef pasta bowls and supernatural seasons 1-4 (i'm hooked). Sue made us the most amazing quilt and aprons. Mine has polka dots all over it with fat ric rac, and Chris's has raiders. Sue also got me this cute mini cupcake maker and these awesome cook books I can't wait to try.

I did my Eclipse party a couple weeks back and it was really fun. Man I have just been so behind on everything. I was running so behind on getting things ready for the party. Kellie ended up having to make the dinner so I could finigh everything else up. She did a fabulous job though. I made these cake bites or cake balls something to that effect that I saw on Bakerlla's site last February and knew would be perfect for a twilight party, but I did not have one in the summer. At any rate I did red velvet ones, sticking with the black and red of eclipse, and I did oreo ones with white chololate then brushed red gel food coloring over them... they ended up looking like eye balls but still super yummy. Kellie and I made white chocolate popcorn, I am so addicted to that now, and then at the party we made Elcipse ornaments and had dinner and watched the movie. It was a small, intimate but fun group. It was a nice change, since the last one was a nightmare.

Well that is what has been going on in my crazy life lately. I am taking some hard classes this semseter and will probly not write much. I am almost done with my associates. I need to go talk to an academic advisor to figure out what else I need. I think i will be done this summer. Fingers crossed, then off to Weber. I just have to keep telling myself. it will be worth it! LOL.

Acceptance, love and all the things in between

wow, been a while. I guess I got overwhelmed and got behind again. Well since last I wrote, I have survived this semester. I am in my last week, I have one final and two e-porfolio papers to write and I am done. I hope I do well on my history final. This teacher has been ridiculous and hard to please. I am happy to pass with a C and I don't get C's. Her workload and expectations were unreal for a general education class. Such is life I guess.

As another year draws to a close, and I can't help but think about how fast this year has flown. So many things happened this year, some simply amazing others not so pleasant. But all in all it has been an amazing year of self discovery, and though I would never want to relive certain things, its weird to say I am glad they happened and can honestly say that everything happens for a reason.

Chris and I had some real struggles this year, and the way it happend was heartbreaking and gut wrenching, but I am glad we are where we are, we would not be what we are today without it I believe. We have this communication and honesty now that I had longed for and would not change for anything in the world. I am grateful to him and for him. I can honestly say that I married my best friend and I fall more and more inlove with him each and every day. A previous relationship that always haunted me I was able to put to rest, and stop being angry and blaming myself, and realize that I was so happy that, that relationship failed. I am actually grateful that that relationship was nothing that I wanted, I had convinced myself I didn't deserve better, and it was okay to settle for almost. I smile now to think I am not stuck in a lifestyle and realtionship that I hate, and with a person who does not know how to love and makes me cry for fun. Chris strives to make me smile, and is usually pretty successful. He is also a very private person, as am I. I love that things are just between he and I. We have all these secrets and inside jokes that are just for us. and I adore that. I would not trade it for the world. He has shown me what love really is, and before him I am positive I never knew. He calls me out when I am being a brat and while I am pissed in the moment I am so glad that he does. I love the honesty in our relationship. I love that I am learning to not fly off the handle, and to take a step back and really think about things, internalize and even apologize. He has brought this out in me, and I am truley grateful and thankful.

This year I found some true friends, and lost some superficial ones. I will say that I am so grateful for the true ones and I haven't missed the others. I'm thankful for the repreive from all the drama. I am glad that I recognized that I was being used, manipulated, and treated like the help, and knew that I deserved better. A lot of untrue things were said about me this year and a lot of people loved the attention that cyber bullying gave them, while I sat in silence at their cruelty, as they continued to fight with themselves. I was the bigger person, and never said anything to anyone, I can count on one hand the people I even confided in, when the bullying became too much, and these people do not talk to them anyways. And well that is my right, and I deserve the right to have someone to vent too when I have a batch of mean girls who act like they are in high school putting a social hit on me. Because lets face it, all the lies that were spead, if I stood up for myself than I was what they said. So, I blocked them all and hoped for the best. Honestly this year has taught me that there are so many more important things going on, and that I am above the childish games and drama. I was in a a no win situation from the begining. I had to choose and I chose my marraige so I had to tell a lie. I would have been blamed either way. I will say though I told a lie, I will never need a lie and all those who jumped aboard with their untrue statments, Well I guess if that gets you through the night. I know the truth, and that is all that matters. I am this horrible bad guy and they take no accountability. I am not perfect, I have not always been a good friend, or person. I have tried my best, I have often failed, and as with every human I am not perfect, but I try and sometimes, people don't allow you to change. I have no apologies and no regrets. I would tell this lie again tomorrow, because I saw who people really were and what they thought. I am truley blessed for that one lie.

Another great thing I found this year was acceptance of who I was and who I have become. I have been in contact with an old firend, we were once joined at the hip. Life happens and things fall apart. Now, in talking to each other, I have felt so loved and accepted. She has made me feel valuable. How many people can say that a friendship can make them feel that way? I think this is a first for me. She knew the old broken messed up me and she knows me now and still better than anyone really, and she loves me. ME, not who she thinks I should be, but the person I actually am now and the one that I used to be. She appreciates the things that at my core make me who I am. She is proud of who I have become. And I cannot tell you what an incredible feeling it is. She has made me feel like I am a friend worth having, not someone "to apologize for." Because of her I know that I am a good person, though at times misguided, and who hasn't been. I am not perfect or extrodinary, but I am valuable. Thank you friend! Words cannot do you justice. I am so blessed that we are again friends, I believe you to be a soulmate, we have always been connected though we have been apart. I love you!

Also I am thankful to again have a sense of sisterhood and family. I have grown so close this year to Mindy. I feel so much comfort in her. I remember when we were little we were partners in crime, and spent most days in the corner. We were closer than sisters, though we would still watch Autumn eat dirt, you were my best freind through many years growing up. Though I lived in a different state I held this piece of my heart that was for you. Then my mom died and me and my feelings and my life was so messed up. When I moved back we just never had that click again, until this year. I know you don't know what has been going on this year, but you have over extended yourself to me anyways. You have been a comfort to me and made me laugh all these times I just wanted to cry. There are times I felt like I was dying inside and you swept in and made things seem imposibly better just because you were there. You knew there was something wrong but you never pushed me you were just there. I cannot tell you how much this and you have meant to me this last year. Thanks Min, I love you!

Wow I kind of wrote a novel, and went off on a tangent or two. It has been a while since I have written and I think I just needed a good write. I have much to look forward to in the coming days. Christmas is my favortie. Last weekend Chris and I decorated a gingerbread house. That was our date night. It was awesome and I loved it, better yet it was his idea too. This weekend I am doing an Eclipse party and I am super excited. Thank you Kellie for bringing it out of me, I am starting to feel like me again. It's been a while. Then we are having Christmas Eve at our house this year which I am super excited for. I have so much to get done before then though. Well that is my novel for now. I need to write more often apparently.

Busy as a Bee

Well it's October already! I can hardly beleive how fast this year has flown. I finally got caught up in all my classes for the first time this semester and was able to relax homework free this last weekend. Though I guess I shouldn't say I actually relaxed. I have so many projects to get done, especially painting ones that I have to do before it gets cold. So I spent Friday with family. My aunt Malynn and uncle Lee came into town this last weekend and they came over and visited Friday for a few hours. It was nice, we all sat around and visited for a bit. Mindy, Autumn, Tiffany, John, and family friend Sarah all hung out. The kids all played downstairs on the Wii and the lovesac. Then after everyone left, Snots (Autumn) and Mindy stayed and we all just BS'ed and laughed until we cried telling stories. I have missed doing this. It has been so long since I have laughed until I cried. Laughter really is the best medicine. Need to get those girls together more often. :)

As for projects, I have so many I need to finish. But this last weekend I took a box of old picture frames we had that were old beat up and nasty colored. I spray painted them, glazed them and made them look good again, and match the colors in my living room theme. Then I spent about 3 hours Sat night working in photoshop, and 12 hours on Sunday. My first time around the block in actual photoshop. Thanks to Mindy for being tech support. I have two books on it but couldn't quite find some of what I needed. I finally got all the pics for the frames done and I have to say they turned out quite amazing. You would have thought I would have spent some of that time getting my blog done so I could start posting my projects, but I didn't.

I am having a girls craft night at my house on Friday. I am super excited. It has been a couple years since these girls and I have gotten together. We are gonna do Chinese and have a sleepover. This worked out great for me cause Chris is doing a sleep lab to see if he has sleep apnea that night and I didn't really want to be in the house alone, with no car. So I am glad the girls wanted to stay. Well that is it for now.

Just another bump in the road

WOW! Okay, so I missed last week. I have been so busy, and things have been so hard. Well we got some unpleasant news this week. Everything is going to change. Everyone always tells you when things change and something bad happens, that there is a reason for it and maybe it's a blessing. Of couse when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to think you will look back and see it as a blessing or a lesson to learn from. Most times I have found recently, that they are, but still you want to be realistic. So we will pray, and make the arrangments necessary, hope that we are smart about it, and that we will land on our feet. Again, only time will tell. It's frustrating and terifying not knowing what the future holds, but I have to have faith that we will get through this, if we stick together.

I'm feeling so much pressure as of late. I have so much homework, and it's hard cause I have so much that I am rushing through sometimes. I feel like I am not doing quality work, due to quantity. We are down a car, Chris sold his car. It was a good thing at the time. We have been paying down debt and bills and trying to only have basics. My car is almost paid off, only a couple more months. We were even looking at new cars and were pretty much ready to sign on the dotted line. We had figured our budget and worked out the details, then bad news struck. I am grateful we learned when we did though, instead of after we had a car payment to account for so I guess that in itself is a blessing. Again, I am super vague. So much has happened this year. I feel I am being tested so much. I feel as though at times I am barley hanging on, but I have to try and look at the big picture and think this too shall pass. We have amazing famliy and friends who, at our darkest hours this past year have been there to lend there support with a hug and a smile, or at times tears so you're not crying alone. I guess all in all I am so lucky to have the people in my life I do. I have learned a lot about true friendships this year, and I guess maybe I have taken for granted the people in my life, because I am learning the ones that are here now, truly are the biggest blessing of all.

Short rant, so I am disappointed in someone, well and myself for being stupid and beleiving they were actually a friend. I read a quote somone wrote just the other day and realized the truth in it. It said "someone who wants to be a part of your life, will truly make an effort to be in it." So true. Recently, I started talking to an "old friend". This person seems to always disappear from my life and reappear when they are in crisis. Yet when I am there I bare the burden alone. I used to be ok with this kind of friendship I guess, cause it has happened quite a few times. Well I reached out to try and be a good friend, checking in often with them, to remind them they are not alone, and letting them go on and on. because thats what friends do. They are there to listen when you are being obsessive and need to just talk things out. I know this cause I am the queen of obsessive and talking things out. I tried to share the burden, laughing and crying with them. They tell me that I am needed and a great friend, yet I find my phone not ringing and me doing all the work. Now that I am again in over my head in crisis mode, well guess who is all alone in it. I am tired of people who need you when they are down and out and when you hit bottom the scatter like cockroaches when someone turns on a light. I am tired of lip service. I will never need a lie. I know as I have aged, and not gracefully, that I haven't been the best friend. I know that I too have been self serving. But for the most part I have always been loyal. I have always tried to go the extra mile for those that are dear to me, to the point of doing all of the work and gettin taken advantage of. And along the way I have had to make hard desicions to let go of those who just kept taking and taking and stopped with the giving. One of which being my own father. Life is too short for me to do one sided. It hurts to much to think you give so much to someone and they can't give even an ounce back. especially when, with school, work, and my own life that is just in ruins and crisis most of the time, I try to be whole heartedly there.

Here is the queston I pose. Do I place to high of expectations? Seriously though? It seems there is a problem somewhere. I either am a magnet for use and abuse, or it would have to be me. The only thing I can think is that my expectatons of a friend is too high. Again, I know that I am blind to my own faults, to which I am sure I have many. But I think that though there are petty moments in friendships, for the most part true friendships, know that though neither is perfect, you fit perfectly together. I guess I try to be available for my friends no matter what. Call me crying I drop everything to rush to you or talk you down. I would do most anything in my power for those I hold dear, and though I am not perfect, and we all have our moments, in my heart I am truly loyal. Am I wrong to think there are people out there who are like me? who would do anything for thier friends? I am starting to feel hopeless.

Yea so that ended up being a longer rant. Sorry. But I guess on a brighter note, there will always be the very few friends you find in life who just get you. You can go forever without talking and its like the world has stopped and no time has passed when you speak again.. A great quote for this is "A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails -Anonymous" I think that pretty much says it all. At any rate I guess that is it for this week. I am hoping a praying we get through the bumps in the road right now. I guess that is all one can do. I can't control the outcome, and I hav eto try and remember that stressing gets me no where, so I need to take a really big breath and let the chips fall where they may. That whole letting go thing... still haven't quite mastered it yet. ;)

Mush...

Wow, been a crazy busy weekend and week. I have never done so much history in my life. I literally did Psychology homework all day friday, then history homework Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.. and barley finished after 10 last night. Man this semester so far is brutal. I have actually had to make myself a calendar this semester with a plan to keep myself on track. I plan to read for an hour each night, from one of the three classes depending on the due date and homework.

On a brighter note, I am taking a day off from homework this Saturday. We are going up to the Unitas with Minday, Alex, Echo, and I think Autumn, John and Landon. We are going to do family pictures. I think that will be a total blast, do some tin foil dinners hang out and take pics. I am having Mindy withdrawls, and need a fix, its been a couple weeks. GASP! Fall leaves should be changing in the Uintas and it will be a beautiful drive. I am excited. Need a break for a day or two, brain is turning to mush I fee like. I am starting to dream about my homework...never a good sign. LOL.

I got my new coolpix camera on Monday, my late birthday present. I LOVE it. I ordered the plum colored one. I am so excited to have a convienent camera. I love my Nikon Digital SLR don't get me wrong, but I feel as though I am carrying a photo booth around sometimes. This one fits so neatly and cute into my purse. It has video on it too, and I have already got a video of Louee chittering to himself. He is definatly unique. I am also excited that I got an amazing deal on photoshop and got a sale price of more than half off, because I already have elements. Because, well, lets face it there is no way I could ever buy that for full price, or even half price. It 's pricey. That should be arriving any day now, and I cannot wait to play with it. Just aren't enough hours in my day sometimes. LOL. Mindy should be a big help, she has elements too, and has taught herself some pretty cool tricks that she is showing me. Definatly a learning curve on photoshop.

The house is coming along. Chris got the basement painted, well the first coat anyways, and it looks absolutly amazing, he is doing a wonderful job. The color is perfect, it made our fireplace pop, and warmed up the room a lot. I am so excited to be done with painting and get everything all the way unpacked. We have nothing on our walls or sheleves, and have not decorated anywhere. The only rooms that are semi finished are my craft room, Chris's office, and the guest bathroom. We were going to have a yardsale once we moved, but decided to hold off until we finished everything inside, thinking I didn't want to get rid of something then find out I could have used it. This way its easier to weed out after.

Lately, I have been in contact with an old friend. It has been nice after many years to visit and chat. I have missed her a lot, and it is wierd how it has been almost 6 years and we picked up like we never missed a beat. I guess that's the thing with true friendships, you are still a part of each other even if you don't know it. So to this friend. "Hey Wedding singer... ooowwoooooooo!" :D

Fall is coming, and I couldn't be more excited. I love fall!! I love decorating in fall for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas... Its all up hill from here. LOL. I am a nerd. I love baking around the fall and holidays. I love making yummy comfort foods that taste so good in the fall when it starts to get cooler, and now I get to make them in my very own kitchen. Can't wait! Well thought I would take a moment out of my hectic schedule and write.

Happy Monday...er Tuesday... ah whatever

Well I had a great weekend this past weekend. Chris had four days off as well, so we went shopping on Friday, which was nice. We got some more things for the house, and just kinda shopped around. One thing we did get that is heavenly, yet makes gettng out of bed utterly impossible was a mattress pad, and new Jersey sheets. Sleeping has been a pleasure. I hung with one of the besties on Saturday, saw Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore. Super funny! I laughed until I was crying. Chris started painting the basement. Then we took it easy on Sunday and I did a lot of homework. Yesterday, we went to Park City. We originally were going to go to San Diego for Labor day and a chance to get away and spend some time alone, though finance wise it wasn't feasible. Then we had decided to stay in Park City for the weekend like our Honeymoon, yea again.. being a holiday weekend it was too expensive. So we settled for going up for a couple hours and hitting the outlets, and this Christmas shop that we get a family ornament from every year. It was nice, but soo super crowded up there.

Things have been better lately. Writting has been helping. Funny enough I always kept a journal, but the last few years I haven't been writing. What a difference it makes. When it comes to papers however, ugh! I have the worst writer's block. I use to write and would write poems, it would just flow and it was thereputic, but I have just been blocked. I used to be a great writer. I could BS anyting and write well. I think if you don't use it you lose it. Now I am in English this semester and the assignments should be easy, I have plenty of material to work with. Just can't seem to form the words. It's frustrating.

This is going to be a tough semester I think. I am already slammed in homework and barley making deadlines. Just so much to do, and so little time to do it. I am actually enjoying my English and Psychology classes. would enjoy it more if I could form words. I need to get ahead, so that way when I am in Vegas I do not have to worry about anything.

I cannot wait until Vegas. The besties and I planned a girls trip. It is so welcomed and needed after the year I have had. We are going to go to a few shows, and be tourist-y. I am especially excited to go see the Beatles Love show. I was bummed that Paul McCartney was in SLC and I could not afford to go. Tickets were ridiculously priced, though I bet worth every penny.

I am just kind of babbling here. Mindy and I made a pact that we would write on our blogs at least once a week to avoid going months, then having to catch up. I started in the middle and didn't catch up everything. I have just been in a slump. With everything that has gone on, I just decided I was going to use my blog for real stuff, not the fluffy we did this, this and this and it was fun stuff. Its been a nice outlet. The good thing about it is that, I so rarley write, that anyone I had given my addy to stopped reading. So it's been kinda nice to use it as my outlet.

Well, I am still trying to get http://acharmeddoityourself-er.blogspot.com/ up and going. I feel like there just are not enough hours in the day sometimes. I have so many projects that I have completed and so many I am working on. I just need to finish the coding on the other blog, trying to personalize it a bit.

Well at any rate, here is my blog for the week. I may blog more than once a week, but for now my goal is at least once... for having absolutly nothing to say I sure went on and on.